Shining Knights and Toy Soldiers

All little girls dream of the day
the day they'll be swept off their feet,
By brave knights on white horses
in bright and shining armour.

Every grown woman wants rescuing
from a tower she built herself,
bricks and mortar - regrets and lies
broken promises, shattered dreams.

Wounded by boys who turned out to be
toy soldiers, marching in time,
serenaded by their fantasies of heroes,
only to find they were nothing more
than hollow tin.

She looks from the uppermost window,
presses her face against the glass-
She is longing for her knight
to scale the walls of hate she's built.

He tries to climb to her aid,
she reaches out her hand,
but her knight is merely a boy
playing dress up games.

© Alice Daley 2014

Fog

I write through fog, thick as smoke
My brain strains to gain meaning
I stammer and stutter
Can't get it out
I can't let it out

I write through a haze, clear as smog
Is it the illness or the medication?
Who knows?
Either way I'm stuffed
Anyway, I'm stuffed

Error, error, cannot compute
Warning lights flash in my mind
I'm getting left behind
Please don't leave me
Don't leave me here

Struggling through the clouds
I emerge into clarity
for a few brief minutes
Before I descend again
I descend beneath the fog

Blue Sky

"The clouds were pulled across the sky like wisps of candy floss, the afternoon sun beamed down on my pale skin, as I lay in the warm tub swing, which was rocking gently. The heat from the navy coloured plastic which had been basking in the summer sun, radiated through my skin into my aching spine and pelvis, its gentle fingers finding their way into all the nooks of my joints. As the comforting heat soothed my muscles, and the sun illuminated the world around me, I was content. Despite the burning pain in my eyes from the light, and the throbbing of my head, the churning of my stomach and the aching in my bones, I felt happy. I was outside in the sunshine, on what was essentially a giant hot water bottle, and life felt good."

Alley-Cat

xxxx

©Alice Daley 2014

Uplifting Things!

Just some uplifting quotes to brighten your day!

Big loves!

Alley

xxxx

© Alice Daley 2014

Consequences Part II

This is the second part of the story 'Consequences,' The first part which can be read here.

The darkness seemed to be closing in around me, the velvety night sky smothering my shouts for help like a blanket. But eventually, after what could have been several hours, two lights pierced the blackness. They seemed a long way off, in the distance beyond the brow of the hill. I fixed my eyes back on the girl and the splintering branch. The wind howled through the bare branches of the trees, making the branch crack and sway alarmingly. ‘Don’t fall, don’t fall, don’t fall.’ I repeated under my quivering breath. I prayed to a God I did not believe in, pleading for him to keep the poor girl safe. The lights beamed over the brow of the hill, they must’ve only be half a mile off, and tears of joy prickled in my eyes. I glanced down at my own legs, numb and useless. To my disbelief, a pool of blood was gathering in the crushed foot-well. I gasped, wondering how much blood I’d lost, when suddenly, ‘CRACK!’ The car shook and the sound of glass smashing filled the night air. Terrified, I looked up through the shattered windscreen, which hadn’t been shattered before. I couldn’t see the girl over the huge branch, which had landed on the bonnet of the taxi. At last, the lights approached and drew to a halt on the road that ran alongside the field I’m run into. I heard voices shouting to me, and with all the strength I could muster, I shouted back with a final breath before it all faded to black.

*

Shuffling around the kitchen, Rob poured the coffee and grabbed the morning paper. Aloud he commented- ‘doom, death and destruction- that’s all I ever see in these bloody newspapers.’
‘Doesn’t stop you reading them though, does it?’ Tina commented.
‘Well no, I need to keep up with my sport.’
‘Of course dear,’ she pacified him with cold, idle chatter whilst sipping at her ‘super-berry-detox smoothie, which Rob thought resembled some sort of fruit massacre. They went about their individual routines, barely touching until the clock hit 7:00am, when Rob kissed his lover on the cheek and hugged her from the side. ‘See you later sweetie, and drive carefully,’ her sing-song voice ushered him out of the door.
The dashboard clock of Rob’s taxi flicked to 7:29am just as he pulled up outside the large town house. The huddled figure at the front door wore a long fur coat and was struggling to lift an old leather trunk. Rob rushed up the garden path to help Mrs McDevon with her luggage, and was greeted with a sincere smile. ‘It’s good to see you Robert. How are you?’
‘Oh I’m alright ma’am; pottering along, yourself?’
‘Well I’m quite looking forward to this little break, I do enjoy a good change of scenery every once in a while.’
‘Very good ma’am,’ Rob replied as he opened the back door of the taxi and helped his passenger up into her seat. Once he’d climbed into the driver’s seat, he automatically tuned the radio to Classic FM, and they drove off in amicable silence.

*

‘Rob, Rob, can you hear me?’ 
‘Robert, can you open your eyes for me please?’
‘Open your eyes please Rob.’
I heard them but I felt so far away, like I was underwater. I strained to surface, using all my will-power to try and open my heavy eyes. But I couldn’t, it felt as though my eyelids had turned to lead. My first thought was for the girl, was she alive? That was enough to push me to the surface and as I opened my eyes I was welcomed by bright white lights and a sea of concerned faces. I tried to lift my head but it appeared to be strapped down between two orange-coloured blocks. ‘Rob, lie still for me there please.’ A red-haired nurse said. 
‘The girl,’ I croaked out, 
‘She’s unconscious but stable, she’ll pull through.’ The nurse assured me, ‘now let’s focus on you Rob.’ I glanced down at my body, and although it was all there, I could only feel my torso and my arms. Filling with panic, my chest started heaving as I fretted. ‘What is it Robert? What’s wrong?’ A dark-skinned doctor with a stethoscope around his neck peered down at me. ‘My legs,’ I panted, ‘I can’t feel my legs.’ 
‘We need to send you for a scan before we can confirm anything Robert, but we suspect you have a severe spinal injury.’ The doctor’s face was serious. 
‘Tina! Does Tina know?’ I asked, concerned. 
‘We’ve contacted her, yes,’ soothed the nurse, ‘and she’s on her way.’
‘How bad are we talking?’ I questioned, though I half-suspected the answer. 
‘We can’t be sure of anything at this stage, Robert. It’s best not to speculate.’ The doctor’s answer was vague and diplomatic. But my main concern was for the girl; was she awake yet? What if she never wakes up? Will she make a full recovery?

*

Lilly wanted to get the bus to her new school- after all the nearest bus stop was only a ten minute walk away, but her mother insisted on driving her. As she stirred her cornflakes around the bowl, her mobile buzzed. The screen lit up with one name; ‘Ryan,’ and Lilly’s heart skipped a beat. She’d been dating Ryan Williams, the school bad-boy, at her last school and despite her doubts, he’d promised to stay in touch with her once she’d moved. She opened the message which read ‘Hi Lilz hope ur skool is beta dan kingz grov luv Ry x x x.’ Okay, so he wasn’t the best at spelling or grammar, but he was hot- all cheekbones and biceps. Quickly she tapped into her phone ‘Thanks babes, I’m a bit nervous but it’ll be okay. I love you, Lilly x x x.’

© Alice Daley 2014

An Extract from 'The Ventriloquist'

To say Warrick was a quiet boy would be something of an understatement- he did not speak. Never had a word passed his sixteen year old lips, and as he sat in the school cafeteria with his head bent over his textbook, silly twittering schoolgirls laughed at him. He heard snippets of their conversation; ‘I’ll give you ten pounds if you kiss the freak!’ One jeered. ‘Eww no, he’s probably got some sort of disease!’ Another replied, her high pitched squeal ringing out across the crowded hall, piercing through the chattering buzz, and nestling itself right next to Warrick’s eardrum. He shook his head microscopically, exhaled in a sort of weary way, and tried to focus on the quadratic equations set out before him, chewing on his pencil which hung loosely from the corner of his mouth. Suddenly, he felt a sting across the back of his head, and he lurched forward as he heard his books clatter to the floor, quickly followed by Aaron’s familiar smirk. ‘What’re you doing, freak?’ He taunted, standing behind the mute boy, a heavy hand upon his shoulder. Warrick remained silent. ‘What’s a matter? Cat got your tongue?!’ He jabbed his fingers into the side of Warrick’s neck, and his disciples laughed along with the joke, yet the boy, tall and wiry in frame with thick golden hair, did not utter a syllable. Not even an exclamation of pain was heard, as Aaron slammed his head into the desk, and left the cafeteria, his cronies in fits of snarling laughter. Warrick set about retrieving his books, and proceeded to settle down again to work, and though salty tears stung the corners of his eyes, they were not tears of sorrow, but tears of rage.

Later, his therapist scratched his head thoughtfully, his trusty pencil tracing over the outline of Warrick’s name as he sighed deeply. ‘Well lad,’ he muttered, shaking his head,  ‘I don’t know what this mother of yours thinks I can do for ye if ye don’t tell me what’s wrong.’ His thick northern accent sounded as though he was trying very hard to be friendly, his bushy grey beard giving him an almost Father-Christmas-like appearance. He looked old enough to be Warrick’s grandfather, and the cracked leather sofa he was sat on smelled terrible. Warrick’s lanky frame was sat awkwardly, his pointed elbows resting on his knees, his long, elegant fingers cupping his chin, staring intently at the psychologist through dark green eyes, like the colour of an emerald before it is honed, and remained silent. His huge emerald eyes were set into his narrow face in an attractively disproportional manner. Not at all balanced by his defined cheekbones, thin lips and pointed chin, they stood out from the rest of him, two glowing green beacons in the pale sea of his skin. They say the eyes are a window into the soul, but Warrick’s eyes were more than that, they seemed to consume you if you looked at them for too long, so still and quiet and calm and huge were they. The therapist changed tack, smiling brightly at the boy and asking ‘So, ye like school?’ and then, after a pause ‘What do ye like doing with yer time, got any ‘obbies?’ No response; nothing.  ‘Your mother tells me you’re getting bullied at school; do you want to talk about that? Perhaps you’d like to write it down, or draw a picture maybe, Warrick?’ Still staring, the silent boy shook his head, and stood up, as to indicate he wanted to leave. He shook the doctor’s hand and rolled his eyes when he heard ‘Nice to meet ye then son, see ye soon.’ When he walked back into the cool, clinical waiting room, his mother’s gaze met his and eagerly she inquired ‘So, how was it? Did you like him? He’s a lovely gentleman isn't he? Really lovely, yes, I think he’ll do nicely, you never know, you might even get to like him one day! We’ll come and see him at the same time next week, yes?’ Warrick could never understand why his mother had to fill every silence with idle chatter. To him it just seemed like a waste of effort, all that nonsensical small talk that she had for hours with her girlfriends over the phone, it wore him out just listening to it.

© Alice Daley 2014

Youth, stolen.

I long to be young again,
to laugh and play my days away,
to sing and dance in the garden,
to swing and run in the park,
to snuggle and read in my bedroom,
to be happy and merry and gay.

I long to be little again,
for someone to take control,
to kiss the grazed knees better,
to wipe the mud away,
to tell me it will be okay,
to shield me from it all.

I long to be small once more,
so I could let the world pass by,
carefree and cheerfully ignorant,
untroubled and blissfully naive,
dreaming and joyfully unaware,
of the realities of life.

© Alice Daley 2014

Today

Today I feel sad, I feel lost, I feel like I've missed out on my youth.
Today I feel old, I feel cold, I feel like my life is stuck in a rut.
Today I feel angry, like it's not fair, and I want to scream.
Today I feel alone, because nobody really understands.

But I know these thoughts are fleeting,
they gather speed, ready to take off again,
and I know they'll return again,
but when they leave I will rejoice,
because the weight of such feelings brings you down.

So if today you feel broken, gutted or entrapped,
if you've felt this way for hours or years,
know that all affliction is momentary and light,
and that everything is temporary,

and that it might never hurt any less,
but you'll grow stronger, more patient,
kinder and more resilient.

Know that even if your today is black,
you still have the power to bring joy,
you still have the strength to survive,
and if surviving is all you can do, that's okay

it's okay

because you're not alone,
because thousands of us feel this way,
and although the suffering of others brings me little comfort,
the knowledge of others fighting alongside me fills me with courage,
because humans are fragile, yet humans are so brave.

be brave today, I know you can.

© Alice Daley 2014

Inside of M.E.

Pain radiates through my weary bones,
Head spinning, heart racing,
Eyes streaming, lights blinding,
This M.E. gets inside of me,
I surrender to the pain once again.

This gnawing, chewing pain,
Splits my joints in two,
Makes me cry out in agony,
This M.E. gets inside of me,
I surrender to the pain once again.

When the lights fade out,
And the noise overwhelms me,
I cannot cope, overstimulated,
This M.E. gets inside of me,
I surrender to the pain once again.

I long for it to end- this life,
This hell within my skin,
Even my skin hurts to touch,
This M.E. gets inside of me,
I surrender to the pain once again.

© Alice Daley 2014

Turmoil.

My mind wanders, wildly,
it whirls around, like a storm,
repeating and remembering,
all these things in my head,
I am too tired to think,
too sleepy to comprehend,
my head is pounding,
feverish body writhing,
as the illness floods me,
my mind cannot rest,
exhausted thoughts rushing,
when will this end?

Oh it will not end,
chronic illness never ceases,
for people stop caring,
stop believing you're ill,
"you can't still be ill,"
they scorn at you,
but you're too tired to care,
too weary to be hurt,
by their cruel taunts
Just rest my love,
lay your head down,
I have no expectations,
I have no harsh words,
Just rest my love.

© Alice Daley 2014

Let me be sad.

Let me be sad.
Because negative emotions are just as valid as the positive ones.
There may not be a reason for my sadness, just like sometimes you're just in a happy mood for no reason.
Don't try to make me cut it short for your benefit by 'cheering me up.'
It doesn't work, for I just pretend to be 'cheered' to make you stop with your pathetic attemps to undo something so deeply ingrained within me, I don't know where I end and the sadness begins. Just let me feel. Let me feel it in all it's intensity. Let me be sad.

© Alice Daley 2014

Always.

Always there
Never left
If you did
I'd be bereft
Undertones
Purity
Can't explain
Your love for me
When I cry
Wipe the tears
Even after
All these years
Don't mind me
I'll be here
By your side
Waiting near
It's alright
I understand
Trust me now
Take my hand
I will lead you
To the light
Don't be scared
Hold on tight
Never leave
Stay right here
I'll always be
Waiting near.

© Alice Daley 2014

Fingerprints.

Clammy, my hands
The window cold.
The light, pale light
Shining on you.

Your face, so bright
And yet so sad,
Severed us, they did
Took away our only comfort
So we will fight
We will bite
We will stand up for what is right

I gaze across at you,
Knowing you're safe,
Praying you'll stay
Until the end.

Wondering how long
Before I am free,
A caged beast,
But whilst you're here,
Calmer, stronger.

Love cannot be shaken
The chains they bind us with must be broken
And we will be reunited once more
For love will break down those doors.

© Alice Daley 2014

Multiplicity. An acrostic.

Many beings, one body
United, and yet discordant
Limbo, sometimes nobody in charge
Trying to imitate one 'person'
Imposter? No. Just another mind
Possible? Yes. Many minds in one body
Living with company, constantly
I enjoy the companionship
Cut off from the world, my own reality
Isolated? No. I still have friends
Troubled? No. I'm happy with my head
You won't change us, we're not a disorder.

[C] Alice Daley

Anorexia. An acrostic.

Always scares of food
Nowhere to run
One thing on your mind- weight
Running from your warped reality
Exercising, burning non existent fat
X rays would show a skeleton
I can already see one, but-
Anorexia,  it takes over.

[C] Alice Daley

Block.

Writer's block
Gets you nowhere
When you think
And nothing comes
Some say
Don't force it
But when
The poetry's gone
What's left
Is what you say
Because that's real
That's your core
Forget verses
Forget structure
Forget rhyming
Just write
How you feel
In broken words
Fragmented
Sentences
Because underneath
You're only
A human being
Just like me.

[C] Alice Daley

A funny girl.

She's a funny girl, all tears and drama,
She strops around, an overgrown teen,
Everything is the end of the world.
She's a lier and a manipulater,
But I wonder, and I pity her,
Because she doesn't understand,
From a point of perspective,
Where her own actions lead her,
And maybe she never will.

[C] Alice Daley

They don't know me.

They don't know me here
An opportunity to reinvent myself
But how to change an identity
Without losing my integrity?

I am who I am
I cannot be anyone else
And why should I?

But they don't know me here
I'm free from my past here
There are no explanations
No boundaries.

But I want to be myself
Nobody else will do
So maybe they'll accept me.

[C] Alice Daley

Horseback.

On a horse I feel correct within
Things make sense again
I understand the world
From the veiw point of a saddle
I have an advantage over them
On the ground, though they are stronger
I am on a horse,
I am safe up here
Out of their reach
Beyond their grasp.

[C] Alice Daley

Motion is emotion.

Walking, walking,
A good pace for talking

Trotting, trotting,
Clippity clopping

Canter, canter
Forget their 'banter'

Motion is emotion
My emotions

[C] Alice Daley

Horse.

Horse kind and horse gentle
Horse wild and horse free
Horse obedient and horse helpful
Horse difficult and horse easy

[C] Alice Daley

6am.

6am is a funny time
Too early to wake
Too late to sleep
In limbo.

Floating from night
Into the daylight
I am a wanderer
I wonder as I wander
Who is awake at 6am?

The commuters as they wake
The insomniacs still awake
Mothers of small children
Sleepy eyed teenagers maybe...

Who is awake at 6am?
The birds as they sing
The bees do their thing
I was never told about
The birds and the bees.

[C] Alice Daley

Rubber band.

My rubber band
Is a sign of recovery
My rubber band
Is a sign of strength
It's a portent of scars
Fading
Fading
Fading

[C] Alice Daley

Compulsion. An acrostic.

Can't help it, must do it
Oh shut up, need to do it
My head won't let me leave it
Put away those thoughts of harm
Understand it's not my choice
Listening to this horrid voice
So don't laugh or ridicule when
I rearrange or change things around
Or alter things into order, I don't do it on purpose
No but I must do it, can't help it

[C] Alice Daley

A funny thing.

Being in love is a funny thing,
It seems to make one's world brighter,
Life seems lighter, brighter still
When you're in love.

Being in love is a funny thing,
To feel safe and secure with someone
To trust them completely, it's easy
When you're in love.

Being in love is a funny thing,
Knowing your lover has your back,
Someone to fight for and who'll fight for you,
When you're in love.

Being in love is a funny thing,
Thinking, planning futures,
Houses, weddings; all to come
When you're in love.

[C] Alice Daley

Fears.

I faced my fears today,
I felt like a brave knight.
So brave to face,
That which scared me
So deeply, what hurt,
Scars on my record.
But today I faced them,
I did it, I feel so proud.
Because although my fears
Are for a reason,
I can overcome them,
For I am stronger
Than my fears
And so are you.

[C] Alice Daley

I grew my nails.

I grew my nails;
My anxiety ' improving.
I grew my nails,
A small achievement,
To some maybe,
But not to me.
No, not to me.
Long nails are so pretty,
Different colours shining,
But it's more than that-
I'm calmer, cooler,
So much less tense,
So I'm really happy,
That I grew my nails

[C] Alice Daley

Run the Race.

Let's run, let's fly,
let's win the race, let's try,
Training daily, sweat dripping,
Feet pounding, hair whipping,
As we run like the wind.
Over hills, round the bends,
Raising money for those in need,
Helping out those who do good deeds.
Puffing, panting- worth the effort,
For those in crisis, those feeling left out,
Putting others first,
Despite our thirst,
Despite the cramps and aches,
Because our heart breaks,
When people cry out in distress,
We wouldn't do anything less.
Let's run, let's fly,
Let's win the race, let's try.

[C] Alice Daley